beyond, beyond
coming home to mail nobody would want to read,
accused and suspected, biting the hand that feeds.
there is no laughter, there is no mirth,
just the reminder of my negative net worth.
and the people you help aren't helped at all,
but i've said it before i don't mind the fall.
my eyes are fixed forward, but my body's in reverse,
down and drown, swallowed whole by the curse.
just a few more months and the stakes get higher,
if i said i wanted to stay, well, i'd just be a liar.
just like the shifty-eyed, i'll drop clues in your drink
nobody will believe me, until i'm just a thought you think.
restless reiteration
restless...
i can feel my arms shaking,
dying for shifting gears,
and a head that feels clear...
they don't agree with the rest of my body,
the rest of the restless
it won't leave me alone
but i don't want to be alone
this feeling of urgency gives way to complacency
and at once i am content
and at twice i am distant
i can roam forever
me and my soul
just me and my soul....
i don't mind the fall
it's kind of breezy
some people don't listen
my words always fall on deaf ears
i tried i said
but now shes dead
at least to you
i think she'll do.....
that means nothing
this place is nothing
but there's solace in solutions
and right now is just fine
Friday, May 22, 2009
may 22nd 2009, two months later
as you well know
i have stopped writing a majority of things,
so here's a compilation, over the last two months, and some old blogs from myspace....
self.
things change, people change......
what you once thought you knew,
such delicate fallacy, yet stuck to you like glue.
get it off, cut it off, do whatever you have to do,
cause you're screaming in agony, faced with an allegory.
what you thought is just what you thought,
past tense, suspense, it's nothing now
forget about it
forgot about it.....
all, it all.
I USED TO WRITE A THING I CALL " LETTERS I'LL NEVER SEND" HERE ARE SOME. I NO LONGER WRITE THESE MUCH, DUE TO THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SWEPT IT UP, AND TRIED TO PLAGIARIZE MY LIFE.
Friday, August 15, 2008
letters ill never send
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear olympics,
why must you suck so much? why must you captivate minds, so all i hear about is "did you see that one chinese girl beat that other chinese girl on the monkey bars?"
no.........no! i don't care. please take your programs off of the general broadcast, and into....say a trashcan.
grudgingly changing channels,
lila
dear my cat,
thank you for loving me,
and sleeping with me lastnight,
but that doesn't make up for the crap you left on the bathroom floor.
grudgingly finding the papertowels,
your owner,
lila
dear self,
if you could stay on the same page,
and stop switching books,
that would be nice,
or else, i may have to cut you off,
itll be celery and no sleep for weeks.....
and don't try that reverse psychology bullshit,
i know you too well............
the librarian you know and love,
lila
dear bitch landlord ruth,
please grow real eyebrows, the ones you drew on your face distract me too much to ever pay attention to what you are saying. i'm glad i don't have to stare at them for long periods of time, for i may be susceptible to unexplainable fits of laughter,
so glad i'm not renting from you anymore,
lila
dear my car,
i swear to god if you act up one more time, it's the end for you.
i can't afford to keep fixing you up, its a mad world, car, and you gotta look out for yourself! it may be time for you to motor on out into the welcoming world of "work or die"
now a frequent passenger in public transit,
lila
Monday, August 25, 2008
letters i’ll never send part deux
dear my brother,
why must i overhear you screaming at the computer? obscenities and all that jazz? it's one thing to talk to the computer, but to hurl profanity at it. i think you are a very strange one and i love you any way.
your sister with raised eyebrows at you,
watching you partyboy the air,
lila
p.s.
i am still mad at you for opening my birthday candle number "8"
>:)
dear dunkin donuts manager,
what the hell was that? who would have expected a man of your standing with a mustache of such magnitude to completely interrogate and bluntly analyze heather and i? completely mindfucked,
your potential employee,
lila
dear cheap shampoo,
why must you make my hair so fluffy and strange?
i can't afford better shampoo
so you better buck the hell up
or i'll get you back..........one day.
still using you,
lila
Sunday, August 31, 2008
another letters ill never send! part three
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear the "dollar" store,
how long has it been since everything in your so called dollar store REALLY been a DOLLAR? i walked in today and saw a comforter there for 36.99....
EXCUSE ME?
fuck you dollar store,
and your false pretensed expensive pseudo dollar morals,
be back next week,
lila
p.s. i know why you dont have a cold food section.......
that shit's older than i am!
dear creepy 7 11 guy,
stop asking me about my hair. and even though i always find it hilarious when you say, " an apple a day....." you tihnk i am laughing because i find you humorous?
THATS THE REA:L JOKE!
pretty much!!!!
find someone thirty years older than me
and comment her on her hair
and SHIT.
see you next time,
grudgingly getting gas with my debit card cause i dont want to walk inside and see you,
the customer
p.s. like i would tell you my name?!?
dear florida weather,
if you're going to fucking rain,
do it.
and do it now.
all this limbo is fucking with my tan.
stuck on you always anyway,
reluctant resident
lila
dear tropical storm fay, hurricane gustav, and so on and so on,
look forward to me dancing in the rain,
middle fingers flying,
you know what i mean.
hoping you head towards cuba,
and hunkering down when the trees start flying,
lila
p.s. if im not on in a week send help
dear crooning male singers in techno bands,
do people see you crooning? i doubt they would like the face you make.
still listening,
lila
I MISS WRITING THOSE, I MAY START CALLIN EM JESUS AND BRING BACK THE RESURRECTION...
LOL
AND HERE IS SOME REALLY OLD POETRY AS WELL,
Friday, August 29, 2008
i was sad before,
but i wrote this,
and now i can't stop smiling,
perhaps i should call it a smirk.
this didn't turn out the way i expected,
but most things in my life don't,
due to some sort of whimsical fancy that i build my life around,
a little something i'd like to call freedom and sense of self,
all wrapped into a blanket of happiness.
feast your eyes on this,
now,
i have a date with some broccoli
yum
what's going on here?
i don't belong here!
something is wrong here!
i'm waiting too long here!
stuffing stifling stagnant air
right down my throat
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
and now i'm seething
don't try to stop me
you'll never succeed
you can think you've got me
but you're nothing i need
no, you're nothing much at all,
just some careless kisses
and a drunken phonecall.
don't worry
don't worry
you know it's okay
can't you tell by now,
i like you better that way.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
get it...no! forget it.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
tumultuous times,
so I broke all the clocks.
the sun still rises,
but I can't stop that one
these wings aren't made of wax,
just unwanted wire and the will to fly.
but I'd burn,
and burn,
and burn!
before I ever caught just one glimpse,
just two glances.
translucent star,
let the dark enfold,
I've always been nocturnal,
time to test the waters,
rain or shine
black or blue
blood or bibles
somebody lock away the sun,
just for a little while?
because if I do,
god knows it won't shine again.
but the sun gives you freckles,
and you look so happy.
and I love your laughter,
music to my weary ears,
much better than fighting tears,
but I'd fight it all,
only for you,
just,
you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
a letter to myself
Current mood: listless
Category: Life
from myself, dearly and sincerely.....
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine?
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
and now i've come full circle, this will be a better outlet for me.
i have stopped writing a majority of things,
so here's a compilation, over the last two months, and some old blogs from myspace....
self.
things change, people change......
what you once thought you knew,
such delicate fallacy, yet stuck to you like glue.
get it off, cut it off, do whatever you have to do,
cause you're screaming in agony, faced with an allegory.
what you thought is just what you thought,
past tense, suspense, it's nothing now
forget about it
forgot about it.....
all, it all.
I USED TO WRITE A THING I CALL " LETTERS I'LL NEVER SEND" HERE ARE SOME. I NO LONGER WRITE THESE MUCH, DUE TO THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SWEPT IT UP, AND TRIED TO PLAGIARIZE MY LIFE.
Friday, August 15, 2008
letters ill never send
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear olympics,
why must you suck so much? why must you captivate minds, so all i hear about is "did you see that one chinese girl beat that other chinese girl on the monkey bars?"
no.........no! i don't care. please take your programs off of the general broadcast, and into....say a trashcan.
grudgingly changing channels,
lila
dear my cat,
thank you for loving me,
and sleeping with me lastnight,
but that doesn't make up for the crap you left on the bathroom floor.
grudgingly finding the papertowels,
your owner,
lila
dear self,
if you could stay on the same page,
and stop switching books,
that would be nice,
or else, i may have to cut you off,
itll be celery and no sleep for weeks.....
and don't try that reverse psychology bullshit,
i know you too well............
the librarian you know and love,
lila
dear bitch landlord ruth,
please grow real eyebrows, the ones you drew on your face distract me too much to ever pay attention to what you are saying. i'm glad i don't have to stare at them for long periods of time, for i may be susceptible to unexplainable fits of laughter,
so glad i'm not renting from you anymore,
lila
dear my car,
i swear to god if you act up one more time, it's the end for you.
i can't afford to keep fixing you up, its a mad world, car, and you gotta look out for yourself! it may be time for you to motor on out into the welcoming world of "work or die"
now a frequent passenger in public transit,
lila
Monday, August 25, 2008
letters i’ll never send part deux
dear my brother,
why must i overhear you screaming at the computer? obscenities and all that jazz? it's one thing to talk to the computer, but to hurl profanity at it. i think you are a very strange one and i love you any way.
your sister with raised eyebrows at you,
watching you partyboy the air,
lila
p.s.
i am still mad at you for opening my birthday candle number "8"
>:)
dear dunkin donuts manager,
what the hell was that? who would have expected a man of your standing with a mustache of such magnitude to completely interrogate and bluntly analyze heather and i? completely mindfucked,
your potential employee,
lila
dear cheap shampoo,
why must you make my hair so fluffy and strange?
i can't afford better shampoo
so you better buck the hell up
or i'll get you back..........one day.
still using you,
lila
Sunday, August 31, 2008
another letters ill never send! part three
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear the "dollar" store,
how long has it been since everything in your so called dollar store REALLY been a DOLLAR? i walked in today and saw a comforter there for 36.99....
EXCUSE ME?
fuck you dollar store,
and your false pretensed expensive pseudo dollar morals,
be back next week,
lila
p.s. i know why you dont have a cold food section.......
that shit's older than i am!
dear creepy 7 11 guy,
stop asking me about my hair. and even though i always find it hilarious when you say, " an apple a day....." you tihnk i am laughing because i find you humorous?
THATS THE REA:L JOKE!
pretty much!!!!
find someone thirty years older than me
and comment her on her hair
and SHIT.
see you next time,
grudgingly getting gas with my debit card cause i dont want to walk inside and see you,
the customer
p.s. like i would tell you my name?!?
dear florida weather,
if you're going to fucking rain,
do it.
and do it now.
all this limbo is fucking with my tan.
stuck on you always anyway,
reluctant resident
lila
dear tropical storm fay, hurricane gustav, and so on and so on,
look forward to me dancing in the rain,
middle fingers flying,
you know what i mean.
hoping you head towards cuba,
and hunkering down when the trees start flying,
lila
p.s. if im not on in a week send help
dear crooning male singers in techno bands,
do people see you crooning? i doubt they would like the face you make.
still listening,
lila
I MISS WRITING THOSE, I MAY START CALLIN EM JESUS AND BRING BACK THE RESURRECTION...
LOL
AND HERE IS SOME REALLY OLD POETRY AS WELL,
Friday, August 29, 2008
i was sad before,
but i wrote this,
and now i can't stop smiling,
perhaps i should call it a smirk.
this didn't turn out the way i expected,
but most things in my life don't,
due to some sort of whimsical fancy that i build my life around,
a little something i'd like to call freedom and sense of self,
all wrapped into a blanket of happiness.
feast your eyes on this,
now,
i have a date with some broccoli
yum
what's going on here?
i don't belong here!
something is wrong here!
i'm waiting too long here!
stuffing stifling stagnant air
right down my throat
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
and now i'm seething
don't try to stop me
you'll never succeed
you can think you've got me
but you're nothing i need
no, you're nothing much at all,
just some careless kisses
and a drunken phonecall.
don't worry
don't worry
you know it's okay
can't you tell by now,
i like you better that way.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
get it...no! forget it.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
tumultuous times,
so I broke all the clocks.
the sun still rises,
but I can't stop that one
these wings aren't made of wax,
just unwanted wire and the will to fly.
but I'd burn,
and burn,
and burn!
before I ever caught just one glimpse,
just two glances.
translucent star,
let the dark enfold,
I've always been nocturnal,
time to test the waters,
rain or shine
black or blue
blood or bibles
somebody lock away the sun,
just for a little while?
because if I do,
god knows it won't shine again.
but the sun gives you freckles,
and you look so happy.
and I love your laughter,
music to my weary ears,
much better than fighting tears,
but I'd fight it all,
only for you,
just,
you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
a letter to myself
Current mood: listless
Category: Life
from myself, dearly and sincerely.....
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine?
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
and now i've come full circle, this will be a better outlet for me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
march 16th 2009
so it is undeniably clear that this is no longer a 365, and no longer a source of entertainment for people....i hope no one reads this shit anymore. all i ever do is fucking depress myself for no reason at all.... i even hate that phrase "for no reason at all..." i mean, there's got to be a fucking reason.....there is reason for everything, people don't just do things, maybe on a whim, but as long as there's intelligence, obviously there's some thought put into whatever thing it is.....
nothing really makes me happy anymore,
and that really, really, really scares me.
a letter to myself
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
nothing really makes me happy anymore,
and that really, really, really scares me.
a letter to myself
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
march 8th 2009
sometimes i really scare myself.....
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!
Friday, March 6, 2009
march 6th 2009
so....
it's been a while.....
let's just say i haven't posted on here for personal reasons...
like the reason i don't feel comfortable coughing out emotions for the world to see.
but whatever at that.....
ha ha hee hee ha ha ho
love me hate me say what you want about me
but all of the boys are beggin to if you seek amy.....
has anyone heard the new britney spears song,
it's called if you seek amy....
and say it out loud.
if
you
seek amy....
f
u
c
k
me.
sounds just lovely doesn't it?
anyway, it's a jammin song, sure to get your motor running....
head out on the highway, lookin for adventure.... and whatever comes my way.
i suppose i'm just not feeling the zest today,
i haven't written anything substantial in quite sometime
this is somewhat disturbing.
there are a lot of things on my mind,
you are on my mind.
i've been building a house for you,
in the back of my mind.
it's been a while.....
let's just say i haven't posted on here for personal reasons...
like the reason i don't feel comfortable coughing out emotions for the world to see.
but whatever at that.....
ha ha hee hee ha ha ho
love me hate me say what you want about me
but all of the boys are beggin to if you seek amy.....
has anyone heard the new britney spears song,
it's called if you seek amy....
and say it out loud.
if
you
seek amy....
f
u
c
k
me.
sounds just lovely doesn't it?
anyway, it's a jammin song, sure to get your motor running....
head out on the highway, lookin for adventure.... and whatever comes my way.
i suppose i'm just not feeling the zest today,
i haven't written anything substantial in quite sometime
this is somewhat disturbing.
there are a lot of things on my mind,
you are on my mind.
i've been building a house for you,
in the back of my mind.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
february 25th 2009
did you ever feel like you lost a friend to fashion?
cause lately ive been wondering where you lost your passion.....
shananana
welcome to deadzville population us,
please enjoy the party favors,
coffin fresheners for everyone!
....
,..
..
.
and right now i am laughing at myself in the library at school,
and this is sheer hilarity
most of the time, i really love my life
i have a 6 page paper on buddhism and hinduism due tonight, 11:59pm
unfortunately, i have yet to start said paper, and am now instead blogging about procrastination....
and i'm sure i will continue to do so
blahblahblah
i want to travel out of here
lean mean gypsy queen.
cause lately ive been wondering where you lost your passion.....
shananana
welcome to deadzville population us,
please enjoy the party favors,
coffin fresheners for everyone!
....
,..
..
.
and right now i am laughing at myself in the library at school,
and this is sheer hilarity
most of the time, i really love my life
i have a 6 page paper on buddhism and hinduism due tonight, 11:59pm
unfortunately, i have yet to start said paper, and am now instead blogging about procrastination....
and i'm sure i will continue to do so
blahblahblah
i want to travel out of here
lean mean gypsy queen.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
february 19th 2009
showing insecurities,
you seek reassurance,
you won't find strength through me,
don't expect a deterrent.
asking quietly,
"who do you like more?"
i said there's no comparison,
and then went through your door.
sorry to say, sorry i lied.
it wasn't fair, it wasn't right,
for you to make me try and choose,
so here comes the truth,
if you tried, you'd lose.
there is no comparison,
because she is above everything,
and everyone, and anything and every place i've ever seen,
or anywhere i've ever been.
that would be all
;)
you seek reassurance,
you won't find strength through me,
don't expect a deterrent.
asking quietly,
"who do you like more?"
i said there's no comparison,
and then went through your door.
sorry to say, sorry i lied.
it wasn't fair, it wasn't right,
for you to make me try and choose,
so here comes the truth,
if you tried, you'd lose.
there is no comparison,
because she is above everything,
and everyone, and anything and every place i've ever seen,
or anywhere i've ever been.
that would be all
;)
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