march 16th 2009

so it is undeniably clear that this is no longer a 365, and no longer a source of entertainment for people....i hope no one reads this shit anymore. all i ever do is fucking depress myself for no reason at all.... i even hate that phrase "for no reason at all..." i mean, there's got to be a fucking reason.....there is reason for everything, people don't just do things, maybe on a whim, but as long as there's intelligence, obviously there's some thought put into whatever thing it is.....
nothing really makes me happy anymore,
and that really, really, really scares me.



a letter to myself

who would have thought i'd need my own medicine
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.

get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.

take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...

and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.

and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.

march 8th 2009

sometimes i really scare myself.....
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!

march 6th 2009

so....
it's been a while.....
let's just say i haven't posted on here for personal reasons...
like the reason i don't feel comfortable coughing out emotions for the world to see.
but whatever at that.....
ha ha hee hee ha ha ho
love me hate me say what you want about me
but all of the boys are beggin to if you seek amy.....
has anyone heard the new britney spears song,
it's called if you seek amy....
and say it out loud.
if
you
seek amy....
f
u
c
k
me.
sounds just lovely doesn't it?
anyway, it's a jammin song, sure to get your motor running....
head out on the highway, lookin for adventure.... and whatever comes my way.
i suppose i'm just not feeling the zest today,
i haven't written anything substantial in quite sometime
this is somewhat disturbing.
there are a lot of things on my mind,
you are on my mind.

i've been building a house for you,
in the back of my mind.