march 8th 2009

sometimes i really scare myself.....
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!