beyond, beyond
coming home to mail nobody would want to read,
accused and suspected, biting the hand that feeds.
there is no laughter, there is no mirth,
just the reminder of my negative net worth.
and the people you help aren't helped at all,
but i've said it before i don't mind the fall.
my eyes are fixed forward, but my body's in reverse,
down and drown, swallowed whole by the curse.
just a few more months and the stakes get higher,
if i said i wanted to stay, well, i'd just be a liar.
just like the shifty-eyed, i'll drop clues in your drink
nobody will believe me, until i'm just a thought you think.
restless reiteration
restless...
i can feel my arms shaking,
dying for shifting gears,
and a head that feels clear...
they don't agree with the rest of my body,
the rest of the restless
it won't leave me alone
but i don't want to be alone
this feeling of urgency gives way to complacency
and at once i am content
and at twice i am distant
i can roam forever
me and my soul
just me and my soul....
i don't mind the fall
it's kind of breezy
some people don't listen
my words always fall on deaf ears
i tried i said
but now shes dead
at least to you
i think she'll do.....
that means nothing
this place is nothing
but there's solace in solutions
and right now is just fine
Friday, May 22, 2009
may 22nd 2009, two months later
as you well know
i have stopped writing a majority of things,
so here's a compilation, over the last two months, and some old blogs from myspace....
self.
things change, people change......
what you once thought you knew,
such delicate fallacy, yet stuck to you like glue.
get it off, cut it off, do whatever you have to do,
cause you're screaming in agony, faced with an allegory.
what you thought is just what you thought,
past tense, suspense, it's nothing now
forget about it
forgot about it.....
all, it all.
I USED TO WRITE A THING I CALL " LETTERS I'LL NEVER SEND" HERE ARE SOME. I NO LONGER WRITE THESE MUCH, DUE TO THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SWEPT IT UP, AND TRIED TO PLAGIARIZE MY LIFE.
Friday, August 15, 2008
letters ill never send
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear olympics,
why must you suck so much? why must you captivate minds, so all i hear about is "did you see that one chinese girl beat that other chinese girl on the monkey bars?"
no.........no! i don't care. please take your programs off of the general broadcast, and into....say a trashcan.
grudgingly changing channels,
lila
dear my cat,
thank you for loving me,
and sleeping with me lastnight,
but that doesn't make up for the crap you left on the bathroom floor.
grudgingly finding the papertowels,
your owner,
lila
dear self,
if you could stay on the same page,
and stop switching books,
that would be nice,
or else, i may have to cut you off,
itll be celery and no sleep for weeks.....
and don't try that reverse psychology bullshit,
i know you too well............
the librarian you know and love,
lila
dear bitch landlord ruth,
please grow real eyebrows, the ones you drew on your face distract me too much to ever pay attention to what you are saying. i'm glad i don't have to stare at them for long periods of time, for i may be susceptible to unexplainable fits of laughter,
so glad i'm not renting from you anymore,
lila
dear my car,
i swear to god if you act up one more time, it's the end for you.
i can't afford to keep fixing you up, its a mad world, car, and you gotta look out for yourself! it may be time for you to motor on out into the welcoming world of "work or die"
now a frequent passenger in public transit,
lila
Monday, August 25, 2008
letters i’ll never send part deux
dear my brother,
why must i overhear you screaming at the computer? obscenities and all that jazz? it's one thing to talk to the computer, but to hurl profanity at it. i think you are a very strange one and i love you any way.
your sister with raised eyebrows at you,
watching you partyboy the air,
lila
p.s.
i am still mad at you for opening my birthday candle number "8"
>:)
dear dunkin donuts manager,
what the hell was that? who would have expected a man of your standing with a mustache of such magnitude to completely interrogate and bluntly analyze heather and i? completely mindfucked,
your potential employee,
lila
dear cheap shampoo,
why must you make my hair so fluffy and strange?
i can't afford better shampoo
so you better buck the hell up
or i'll get you back..........one day.
still using you,
lila
Sunday, August 31, 2008
another letters ill never send! part three
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear the "dollar" store,
how long has it been since everything in your so called dollar store REALLY been a DOLLAR? i walked in today and saw a comforter there for 36.99....
EXCUSE ME?
fuck you dollar store,
and your false pretensed expensive pseudo dollar morals,
be back next week,
lila
p.s. i know why you dont have a cold food section.......
that shit's older than i am!
dear creepy 7 11 guy,
stop asking me about my hair. and even though i always find it hilarious when you say, " an apple a day....." you tihnk i am laughing because i find you humorous?
THATS THE REA:L JOKE!
pretty much!!!!
find someone thirty years older than me
and comment her on her hair
and SHIT.
see you next time,
grudgingly getting gas with my debit card cause i dont want to walk inside and see you,
the customer
p.s. like i would tell you my name?!?
dear florida weather,
if you're going to fucking rain,
do it.
and do it now.
all this limbo is fucking with my tan.
stuck on you always anyway,
reluctant resident
lila
dear tropical storm fay, hurricane gustav, and so on and so on,
look forward to me dancing in the rain,
middle fingers flying,
you know what i mean.
hoping you head towards cuba,
and hunkering down when the trees start flying,
lila
p.s. if im not on in a week send help
dear crooning male singers in techno bands,
do people see you crooning? i doubt they would like the face you make.
still listening,
lila
I MISS WRITING THOSE, I MAY START CALLIN EM JESUS AND BRING BACK THE RESURRECTION...
LOL
AND HERE IS SOME REALLY OLD POETRY AS WELL,
Friday, August 29, 2008
i was sad before,
but i wrote this,
and now i can't stop smiling,
perhaps i should call it a smirk.
this didn't turn out the way i expected,
but most things in my life don't,
due to some sort of whimsical fancy that i build my life around,
a little something i'd like to call freedom and sense of self,
all wrapped into a blanket of happiness.
feast your eyes on this,
now,
i have a date with some broccoli
yum
what's going on here?
i don't belong here!
something is wrong here!
i'm waiting too long here!
stuffing stifling stagnant air
right down my throat
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
and now i'm seething
don't try to stop me
you'll never succeed
you can think you've got me
but you're nothing i need
no, you're nothing much at all,
just some careless kisses
and a drunken phonecall.
don't worry
don't worry
you know it's okay
can't you tell by now,
i like you better that way.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
get it...no! forget it.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
tumultuous times,
so I broke all the clocks.
the sun still rises,
but I can't stop that one
these wings aren't made of wax,
just unwanted wire and the will to fly.
but I'd burn,
and burn,
and burn!
before I ever caught just one glimpse,
just two glances.
translucent star,
let the dark enfold,
I've always been nocturnal,
time to test the waters,
rain or shine
black or blue
blood or bibles
somebody lock away the sun,
just for a little while?
because if I do,
god knows it won't shine again.
but the sun gives you freckles,
and you look so happy.
and I love your laughter,
music to my weary ears,
much better than fighting tears,
but I'd fight it all,
only for you,
just,
you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
a letter to myself
Current mood: listless
Category: Life
from myself, dearly and sincerely.....
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine?
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
and now i've come full circle, this will be a better outlet for me.
i have stopped writing a majority of things,
so here's a compilation, over the last two months, and some old blogs from myspace....
self.
things change, people change......
what you once thought you knew,
such delicate fallacy, yet stuck to you like glue.
get it off, cut it off, do whatever you have to do,
cause you're screaming in agony, faced with an allegory.
what you thought is just what you thought,
past tense, suspense, it's nothing now
forget about it
forgot about it.....
all, it all.
I USED TO WRITE A THING I CALL " LETTERS I'LL NEVER SEND" HERE ARE SOME. I NO LONGER WRITE THESE MUCH, DUE TO THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SWEPT IT UP, AND TRIED TO PLAGIARIZE MY LIFE.
Friday, August 15, 2008
letters ill never send
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear olympics,
why must you suck so much? why must you captivate minds, so all i hear about is "did you see that one chinese girl beat that other chinese girl on the monkey bars?"
no.........no! i don't care. please take your programs off of the general broadcast, and into....say a trashcan.
grudgingly changing channels,
lila
dear my cat,
thank you for loving me,
and sleeping with me lastnight,
but that doesn't make up for the crap you left on the bathroom floor.
grudgingly finding the papertowels,
your owner,
lila
dear self,
if you could stay on the same page,
and stop switching books,
that would be nice,
or else, i may have to cut you off,
itll be celery and no sleep for weeks.....
and don't try that reverse psychology bullshit,
i know you too well............
the librarian you know and love,
lila
dear bitch landlord ruth,
please grow real eyebrows, the ones you drew on your face distract me too much to ever pay attention to what you are saying. i'm glad i don't have to stare at them for long periods of time, for i may be susceptible to unexplainable fits of laughter,
so glad i'm not renting from you anymore,
lila
dear my car,
i swear to god if you act up one more time, it's the end for you.
i can't afford to keep fixing you up, its a mad world, car, and you gotta look out for yourself! it may be time for you to motor on out into the welcoming world of "work or die"
now a frequent passenger in public transit,
lila
Monday, August 25, 2008
letters i’ll never send part deux
dear my brother,
why must i overhear you screaming at the computer? obscenities and all that jazz? it's one thing to talk to the computer, but to hurl profanity at it. i think you are a very strange one and i love you any way.
your sister with raised eyebrows at you,
watching you partyboy the air,
lila
p.s.
i am still mad at you for opening my birthday candle number "8"
>:)
dear dunkin donuts manager,
what the hell was that? who would have expected a man of your standing with a mustache of such magnitude to completely interrogate and bluntly analyze heather and i? completely mindfucked,
your potential employee,
lila
dear cheap shampoo,
why must you make my hair so fluffy and strange?
i can't afford better shampoo
so you better buck the hell up
or i'll get you back..........one day.
still using you,
lila
Sunday, August 31, 2008
another letters ill never send! part three
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
dear the "dollar" store,
how long has it been since everything in your so called dollar store REALLY been a DOLLAR? i walked in today and saw a comforter there for 36.99....
EXCUSE ME?
fuck you dollar store,
and your false pretensed expensive pseudo dollar morals,
be back next week,
lila
p.s. i know why you dont have a cold food section.......
that shit's older than i am!
dear creepy 7 11 guy,
stop asking me about my hair. and even though i always find it hilarious when you say, " an apple a day....." you tihnk i am laughing because i find you humorous?
THATS THE REA:L JOKE!
pretty much!!!!
find someone thirty years older than me
and comment her on her hair
and SHIT.
see you next time,
grudgingly getting gas with my debit card cause i dont want to walk inside and see you,
the customer
p.s. like i would tell you my name?!?
dear florida weather,
if you're going to fucking rain,
do it.
and do it now.
all this limbo is fucking with my tan.
stuck on you always anyway,
reluctant resident
lila
dear tropical storm fay, hurricane gustav, and so on and so on,
look forward to me dancing in the rain,
middle fingers flying,
you know what i mean.
hoping you head towards cuba,
and hunkering down when the trees start flying,
lila
p.s. if im not on in a week send help
dear crooning male singers in techno bands,
do people see you crooning? i doubt they would like the face you make.
still listening,
lila
I MISS WRITING THOSE, I MAY START CALLIN EM JESUS AND BRING BACK THE RESURRECTION...
LOL
AND HERE IS SOME REALLY OLD POETRY AS WELL,
Friday, August 29, 2008
i was sad before,
but i wrote this,
and now i can't stop smiling,
perhaps i should call it a smirk.
this didn't turn out the way i expected,
but most things in my life don't,
due to some sort of whimsical fancy that i build my life around,
a little something i'd like to call freedom and sense of self,
all wrapped into a blanket of happiness.
feast your eyes on this,
now,
i have a date with some broccoli
yum
what's going on here?
i don't belong here!
something is wrong here!
i'm waiting too long here!
stuffing stifling stagnant air
right down my throat
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
i'm not breathing
and now i'm seething
don't try to stop me
you'll never succeed
you can think you've got me
but you're nothing i need
no, you're nothing much at all,
just some careless kisses
and a drunken phonecall.
don't worry
don't worry
you know it's okay
can't you tell by now,
i like you better that way.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
get it...no! forget it.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
tumultuous times,
so I broke all the clocks.
the sun still rises,
but I can't stop that one
these wings aren't made of wax,
just unwanted wire and the will to fly.
but I'd burn,
and burn,
and burn!
before I ever caught just one glimpse,
just two glances.
translucent star,
let the dark enfold,
I've always been nocturnal,
time to test the waters,
rain or shine
black or blue
blood or bibles
somebody lock away the sun,
just for a little while?
because if I do,
god knows it won't shine again.
but the sun gives you freckles,
and you look so happy.
and I love your laughter,
music to my weary ears,
much better than fighting tears,
but I'd fight it all,
only for you,
just,
you.
Monday, March 16, 2009
a letter to myself
Current mood: listless
Category: Life
from myself, dearly and sincerely.....
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine?
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
and now i've come full circle, this will be a better outlet for me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
march 16th 2009
so it is undeniably clear that this is no longer a 365, and no longer a source of entertainment for people....i hope no one reads this shit anymore. all i ever do is fucking depress myself for no reason at all.... i even hate that phrase "for no reason at all..." i mean, there's got to be a fucking reason.....there is reason for everything, people don't just do things, maybe on a whim, but as long as there's intelligence, obviously there's some thought put into whatever thing it is.....
nothing really makes me happy anymore,
and that really, really, really scares me.
a letter to myself
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
nothing really makes me happy anymore,
and that really, really, really scares me.
a letter to myself
who would have thought i'd need my own medicine
take two doses of this, and a little of that,
make sure you put your knees up, laying on your back.
get your face out of your hands,
stop making such steep demands,
the descent is upon us.
take it easy, race and hurry.
kick back, relax, overcome with worry.
back and forth, and then repeat,
pitter patter like ping pong...
and i want to slow down!
but i want to go faster!
i keep looking to the clock,
but the timing's all wrong.
and before you know it,
i'm here and then i'm gone.
and you're left with the feeling
that you knew it all along.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
march 8th 2009
sometimes i really scare myself.....
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!
i don't care about anything
complete state of dysphoria.
i want to see the doctor again
i hate my life.
i hate where i am, well not where i am, but the fact that im not where i want to be yet.
i was so sick today and i went to work because i overslept and had the4 decency not to call in to work 20 minutes before i was supposed to be there.
and it was just as awful as i thought it would be.
subway sucks.
so much.
or maybe its the fact that i suck, so much.
i'm so anxious and scared of everything, all the time.
i cry at work everyday, maybe because im so sensitive
maybe because people are so cold,
i am not a slave
and your hunger is not more important than treating me like a person,
not a robot.
i am not my job,
but i sure carry some pain from it,
already.
it would actually be a relief to be fired.
because god knows id never grow a spine quick enough to confront my boss and put in my two weeks notice.....
sometimes i really hate myself.
so much.
i don't want to be around anyone,
they all expect me to be the same bubbly infectious girl i always have been....
even when i'm not,
and i'm not.
i'm not!
Friday, March 6, 2009
march 6th 2009
so....
it's been a while.....
let's just say i haven't posted on here for personal reasons...
like the reason i don't feel comfortable coughing out emotions for the world to see.
but whatever at that.....
ha ha hee hee ha ha ho
love me hate me say what you want about me
but all of the boys are beggin to if you seek amy.....
has anyone heard the new britney spears song,
it's called if you seek amy....
and say it out loud.
if
you
seek amy....
f
u
c
k
me.
sounds just lovely doesn't it?
anyway, it's a jammin song, sure to get your motor running....
head out on the highway, lookin for adventure.... and whatever comes my way.
i suppose i'm just not feeling the zest today,
i haven't written anything substantial in quite sometime
this is somewhat disturbing.
there are a lot of things on my mind,
you are on my mind.
i've been building a house for you,
in the back of my mind.
it's been a while.....
let's just say i haven't posted on here for personal reasons...
like the reason i don't feel comfortable coughing out emotions for the world to see.
but whatever at that.....
ha ha hee hee ha ha ho
love me hate me say what you want about me
but all of the boys are beggin to if you seek amy.....
has anyone heard the new britney spears song,
it's called if you seek amy....
and say it out loud.
if
you
seek amy....
f
u
c
k
me.
sounds just lovely doesn't it?
anyway, it's a jammin song, sure to get your motor running....
head out on the highway, lookin for adventure.... and whatever comes my way.
i suppose i'm just not feeling the zest today,
i haven't written anything substantial in quite sometime
this is somewhat disturbing.
there are a lot of things on my mind,
you are on my mind.
i've been building a house for you,
in the back of my mind.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
february 25th 2009
did you ever feel like you lost a friend to fashion?
cause lately ive been wondering where you lost your passion.....
shananana
welcome to deadzville population us,
please enjoy the party favors,
coffin fresheners for everyone!
....
,..
..
.
and right now i am laughing at myself in the library at school,
and this is sheer hilarity
most of the time, i really love my life
i have a 6 page paper on buddhism and hinduism due tonight, 11:59pm
unfortunately, i have yet to start said paper, and am now instead blogging about procrastination....
and i'm sure i will continue to do so
blahblahblah
i want to travel out of here
lean mean gypsy queen.
cause lately ive been wondering where you lost your passion.....
shananana
welcome to deadzville population us,
please enjoy the party favors,
coffin fresheners for everyone!
....
,..
..
.
and right now i am laughing at myself in the library at school,
and this is sheer hilarity
most of the time, i really love my life
i have a 6 page paper on buddhism and hinduism due tonight, 11:59pm
unfortunately, i have yet to start said paper, and am now instead blogging about procrastination....
and i'm sure i will continue to do so
blahblahblah
i want to travel out of here
lean mean gypsy queen.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
february 19th 2009
showing insecurities,
you seek reassurance,
you won't find strength through me,
don't expect a deterrent.
asking quietly,
"who do you like more?"
i said there's no comparison,
and then went through your door.
sorry to say, sorry i lied.
it wasn't fair, it wasn't right,
for you to make me try and choose,
so here comes the truth,
if you tried, you'd lose.
there is no comparison,
because she is above everything,
and everyone, and anything and every place i've ever seen,
or anywhere i've ever been.
that would be all
;)
you seek reassurance,
you won't find strength through me,
don't expect a deterrent.
asking quietly,
"who do you like more?"
i said there's no comparison,
and then went through your door.
sorry to say, sorry i lied.
it wasn't fair, it wasn't right,
for you to make me try and choose,
so here comes the truth,
if you tried, you'd lose.
there is no comparison,
because she is above everything,
and everyone, and anything and every place i've ever seen,
or anywhere i've ever been.
that would be all
;)
Friday, February 13, 2009
february 13th 2009
the season of love
hippies said summer was the season,
but i know winter is the one for love.
meeting you during the fall, without reason,
and then knowing you for the catch.
it's safe to say we're a perfect match.
like the beatles, so happy together,
i say, you're the ying to my yang.
so in sync, we're birds of a feather.
kissing to songs about cape cod,
smiles and laughter, two peas in a pod.
meeting eachother, through people we both know,
it's almost bizarre, wistful for more memories,
we could have met so long ago.
it doesn't matter now, 'cause you are mine.
my sweet rarity, the perfect valentine.
hippies said summer was the season,
but i know winter is the one for love.
meeting you during the fall, without reason,
and then knowing you for the catch.
it's safe to say we're a perfect match.
like the beatles, so happy together,
i say, you're the ying to my yang.
so in sync, we're birds of a feather.
kissing to songs about cape cod,
smiles and laughter, two peas in a pod.
meeting eachother, through people we both know,
it's almost bizarre, wistful for more memories,
we could have met so long ago.
it doesn't matter now, 'cause you are mine.
my sweet rarity, the perfect valentine.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
same thing pouring out yet again
didnt feel like writing this in a myspace bulletin
SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
feelin' fiesty
likin' it nicely
keep it spicy, cause i think of you highly.
don't disappoint, don't fade out,
burn out if you have to, but don't be a bore.
keep up the notions, you know it's you i adore.
yes you, only you, every other i forgot.
it's not just the thrill of the chase,
hands open, you tried to catch me, and you caught.
sometimes fear finds me, like a deer in the headlights
and i freeze up and grow silent, like some lonely nights
but then morning comes, and i'm not mourning some,
just come take me away, far far away
and we'll pretend we're latin, carpe diem and seize the day,
the day the week the month the year
and soon enough it will all become clear
you are you and i am me and we are we
and together we are here.
SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
feelin' fiesty
likin' it nicely
keep it spicy, cause i think of you highly.
don't disappoint, don't fade out,
burn out if you have to, but don't be a bore.
keep up the notions, you know it's you i adore.
yes you, only you, every other i forgot.
it's not just the thrill of the chase,
hands open, you tried to catch me, and you caught.
sometimes fear finds me, like a deer in the headlights
and i freeze up and grow silent, like some lonely nights
but then morning comes, and i'm not mourning some,
just come take me away, far far away
and we'll pretend we're latin, carpe diem and seize the day,
the day the week the month the year
and soon enough it will all become clear
you are you and i am me and we are we
and together we are here.
february 12th 2009
gettin' it all figured it out
yeah i got YOU figured out
it's not that hard
you're not that hard sans the core
but you're not an apple....
not the one in my eye, anymore.
today is me and bks one month
but i dont think he realizes it.......
i love that boy goodbye
yeah i got YOU figured out
it's not that hard
you're not that hard sans the core
but you're not an apple....
not the one in my eye, anymore.
today is me and bks one month
but i dont think he realizes it.......
i love that boy goodbye
Friday, February 6, 2009
february 6th 2009 continues
anything to make you smile....
you are the everliving ghost of what once was.
i never wanna hear you say you'd be better off,
or you liked it that way.
and no one is ever gonna love you more than i do,
no one's gonna love you more than i do.....
definitely lovin on the boyfriend
i must be some sort of crazy or something
i have an idea in my head and it wont leave me alone
so i threw it in the pantry and now it lives with the cans
tomato soup and chicken noodle are at odds with eachother
that idea serves as a great mediator
make peace with eachother
animal and plant
it's possible i know it is
we do what we can even if we can't
and that makes absolutely no sense
but better than your two cents
that i said i didn't ask for to begin with
and i'm not being mean
just really quite frank
cause this is for my thoughts
so i think i thunk i thank
you are the everliving ghost of what once was.
i never wanna hear you say you'd be better off,
or you liked it that way.
and no one is ever gonna love you more than i do,
no one's gonna love you more than i do.....
definitely lovin on the boyfriend
i must be some sort of crazy or something
i have an idea in my head and it wont leave me alone
so i threw it in the pantry and now it lives with the cans
tomato soup and chicken noodle are at odds with eachother
that idea serves as a great mediator
make peace with eachother
animal and plant
it's possible i know it is
we do what we can even if we can't
and that makes absolutely no sense
but better than your two cents
that i said i didn't ask for to begin with
and i'm not being mean
just really quite frank
cause this is for my thoughts
so i think i thunk i thank
february 6th 2009
OH HAY!
so its been a few days so lets just recap
first day of subway shitty > excellent
it was okay
i just dont know how to do anything
but ill learn and progress :)
TODAY IS A VERY PRODUCTIVE TODAY
i'm plotting my v day destruction for bk
destruction being the operative word....
LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY
listening to circa survive
and bein pretty damn happy
marriedtothesea.com
who wants a realdoll?!
lol,
im so giddy today
maybe ill hit the gym when my brother gets home so i can use his ipod >_>
so its been a few days so lets just recap
first day of subway shitty > excellent
it was okay
i just dont know how to do anything
but ill learn and progress :)
TODAY IS A VERY PRODUCTIVE TODAY
i'm plotting my v day destruction for bk
destruction being the operative word....
LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY
listening to circa survive
and bein pretty damn happy
marriedtothesea.com
who wants a realdoll?!
lol,
im so giddy today
maybe ill hit the gym when my brother gets home so i can use his ipod >_>
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
february 4th 2009
so, my classes got dropped, reinstating two of them. ditching psych cause i dislike my teacher, gotta pay 456 straight cash.
fuck bcc man
at least theyre letting me continue with my edumacation....:D
this is whats on my mind
i wanna cook you dinner,
in my finest clothes.
and then we can do it on your kitchen counter,
but be quiet so nobody knows.
i want your smile.
i want your body.
i want everything you have to give.
i'm walking through my life,
now i'm running, you make me live.
what do i love about you so?
would it be the taste of your lips?
could it be the grind of your hips?
the truth is i don't rightly know.
maybe it's the way you stay and never go.
i don't think ill put my finger on it,
but i really like that face of yours,
i suppose ill linger on it.
im not gonna write anymore...........
too much dance in these pantz
I WANT IT
>:D
this is much too silly
fuck bcc man
at least theyre letting me continue with my edumacation....:D
this is whats on my mind
i wanna cook you dinner,
in my finest clothes.
and then we can do it on your kitchen counter,
but be quiet so nobody knows.
i want your smile.
i want your body.
i want everything you have to give.
i'm walking through my life,
now i'm running, you make me live.
what do i love about you so?
would it be the taste of your lips?
could it be the grind of your hips?
the truth is i don't rightly know.
maybe it's the way you stay and never go.
i don't think ill put my finger on it,
but i really like that face of yours,
i suppose ill linger on it.
im not gonna write anymore...........
too much dance in these pantz
I WANT IT
>:D
this is much too silly
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
february 3rd 2009
i found out today that my tuition pay account was terminated,
so i need to figure out a way to stay in school, hopefully the college will let me pay it off to them.......
feeling a bit better
got really excited
and then..........
NOTSOMUCH
i hate when you don't get what you give,
but nobody ever said life would be fair right?
my tired of being the "outgoing" girl.
even my boyfriend says the thing he loves about me most
is the fact that i'm so outgoing, and so happy and bubbly all the time....
well, i have news for all of you,
I AM NOT HAPPY AND BUBBLY ALL THE TIME!
AT ALL!!!
why do you think i avoid most of you all the time?
CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ACT ALL HAPPY WHEN I'M NOT.
and when i'm not
its so much more than obvious,
and people get in your face and they ask,
" whats wrong? you seem really sad today! you're never sad!"
and i just say, " oh nothing, i'm just tired,"
what i really mean is
"leave me alone, i don't trust you enough to tell you about my problems!"
harsh as that may sound,
no one can be trusted around here.
i witness people manipulating other people everyday
and i refuse to be a part of that.
knowledge is power, and people always want control.
well,i won't give you mine.
i feel really stressed out right now
and there is nobody to help me....
i wish somebody would help me.
so here's a funny picture and you can forget i just wrote all of that
HOORAY I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<33333!!!!!!
toothpastefordinner.com
so i need to figure out a way to stay in school, hopefully the college will let me pay it off to them.......
feeling a bit better
got really excited
and then..........
NOTSOMUCH
i hate when you don't get what you give,
but nobody ever said life would be fair right?
my tired of being the "outgoing" girl.
even my boyfriend says the thing he loves about me most
is the fact that i'm so outgoing, and so happy and bubbly all the time....
well, i have news for all of you,
I AM NOT HAPPY AND BUBBLY ALL THE TIME!
AT ALL!!!
why do you think i avoid most of you all the time?
CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ACT ALL HAPPY WHEN I'M NOT.
and when i'm not
its so much more than obvious,
and people get in your face and they ask,
" whats wrong? you seem really sad today! you're never sad!"
and i just say, " oh nothing, i'm just tired,"
what i really mean is
"leave me alone, i don't trust you enough to tell you about my problems!"
harsh as that may sound,
no one can be trusted around here.
i witness people manipulating other people everyday
and i refuse to be a part of that.
knowledge is power, and people always want control.
well,i won't give you mine.
i feel really stressed out right now
and there is nobody to help me....
i wish somebody would help me.
so here's a funny picture and you can forget i just wrote all of that
HOORAY I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<33333!!!!!!
toothpastefordinner.com
Monday, February 2, 2009
february 2nd 2009
Is it february already? now's about time we remind ourselves exactly how to spell said month, feb rooo airy?
yeah. something like that. school is kicked back into high gear, people are worried about what to get their significant (or insignificant but keep them around anyway) others for the dreaded valentine's day.
hmm hmm hmm
i don't know about you, but i already know what i'm doing for my valentine,
if you want any suggestions,
don't buy that store kitschy krap,
i think everyone likes a gift better when the person makes it for them,
but that's just me!
today i'm going to write somethign i haven't done in a while due to rampant plagiarism,
letters i'll never send! part 4!!!!
bum bum bum
any of you who may have my myspace,
which whoever is reading this does,
because that's where i put the link,
should probably read my letters' blogs
i stopped writing them because,
well, people started writing them as well,
which people sometimes do when lacking originality,
whatever though, i get mine.
dear my psychology teacher,
i do not care about how many glasses of wine it takes to drink with your lasagna plate at the olive garden, to get a dui. DO NOT CARE. the factt hat you say the same phrase in every glass only irks me more and more and makes me wish i had taken the 7am class with stein.
p.s.
your daughter is a chubby pretentious witch :)
sincerely and dearly,
your student.
dear boardgames,
why do you have so many pieces?
and why is it that the one piece i want to play in monopoly is NEVER THERE?
yeah i'm talking about you, hat.
fuck you,
still playing.
dear myspace girls,
nobody takes pictures in their underwear anymore.
it's just tacky, what would your mother say?
denying you as a friend,
LoVe AlWaYs. XoXo!
i'm cracking myself up right now
and i'm just completely too hyped up to be
A) in school
and
B) drinking more coffee >:DDDDD
MUWAHAHAHAHA
and p.s.
those of you who wish to remain my friend purely for social reasons, don't think i haven't noticed,
that's all i'll say about that :)
>:D
yeah. something like that. school is kicked back into high gear, people are worried about what to get their significant (or insignificant but keep them around anyway) others for the dreaded valentine's day.
hmm hmm hmm
i don't know about you, but i already know what i'm doing for my valentine,
if you want any suggestions,
don't buy that store kitschy krap,
i think everyone likes a gift better when the person makes it for them,
but that's just me!
today i'm going to write somethign i haven't done in a while due to rampant plagiarism,
letters i'll never send! part 4!!!!
bum bum bum
any of you who may have my myspace,
which whoever is reading this does,
because that's where i put the link,
should probably read my letters' blogs
i stopped writing them because,
well, people started writing them as well,
which people sometimes do when lacking originality,
whatever though, i get mine.
dear my psychology teacher,
i do not care about how many glasses of wine it takes to drink with your lasagna plate at the olive garden, to get a dui. DO NOT CARE. the factt hat you say the same phrase in every glass only irks me more and more and makes me wish i had taken the 7am class with stein.
p.s.
your daughter is a chubby pretentious witch :)
sincerely and dearly,
your student.
dear boardgames,
why do you have so many pieces?
and why is it that the one piece i want to play in monopoly is NEVER THERE?
yeah i'm talking about you, hat.
fuck you,
still playing.
dear myspace girls,
nobody takes pictures in their underwear anymore.
it's just tacky, what would your mother say?
denying you as a friend,
LoVe AlWaYs. XoXo!
i'm cracking myself up right now
and i'm just completely too hyped up to be
A) in school
and
B) drinking more coffee >:DDDDD
MUWAHAHAHAHA
and p.s.
those of you who wish to remain my friend purely for social reasons, don't think i haven't noticed,
that's all i'll say about that :)
>:D
Saturday, January 31, 2009
january 31st 2009
its the last day of january....
hoo fucking RAY
you know what that means....
valentines day is tick tocking it's unwelcome way in!
welcome welcome everyone!
nows the time for those that are alone, to feel lonely
and those that have someone, to be somebody
so sorry to those of you who dont have anyone!
get drunk and cry about it....
and i say that like i mean it
cause thats what i used to do,
and well, it worked pretty alright for me.
life is a cycle, oil up your wheels and get ready to RACE.
heather is watching me type this
but thats okay because if i ever wanted an audience shed be in the front row
insert laughter here
well, anyway fellow readers,
as i continue along my merry way
i am currently babysitting
so LURK ON!
cause i know you do ;)
........................
unexpected phone calls jar me oddly
dont call me
unless i call you first
cause if i didnt call you to begin with
i probably DONT want to talk....
to YOU.
not just in general
but anyone
so stfu and leave a voicemail.
JUSTKIDDING
that really only applies to like one or two people that probably wouldnt read this anyway.
so on to more happy things
like when will i write another poem?
WELL
the voice on the phone,
sounds much too slurred.
you say you're not drunk,
i say you're absurd.
dont try to pretend,
things are the way they were.
the times come and go,
the lesson's been learned.
so don't try to school me,
on how you think you're the very best.
i know fact from fiction,
you failed, retook,
and failed again that same test.
enough about that,
i'll let sleeping dogs lie,
right to your face,
and then watch you cry.
i'm not being brutal,
just realistically serene,
i'm so much more than done with you,
and i've fled the scene.
you can give me your tears,
but goodbyes were screamed forever ago.
no matter how much you question me,
the answer will always be "no."
FINITO
BRUTAL.
BYE,
hoo fucking RAY
you know what that means....
valentines day is tick tocking it's unwelcome way in!
welcome welcome everyone!
nows the time for those that are alone, to feel lonely
and those that have someone, to be somebody
so sorry to those of you who dont have anyone!
get drunk and cry about it....
and i say that like i mean it
cause thats what i used to do,
and well, it worked pretty alright for me.
life is a cycle, oil up your wheels and get ready to RACE.
heather is watching me type this
but thats okay because if i ever wanted an audience shed be in the front row
insert laughter here
well, anyway fellow readers,
as i continue along my merry way
i am currently babysitting
so LURK ON!
cause i know you do ;)
........................
unexpected phone calls jar me oddly
dont call me
unless i call you first
cause if i didnt call you to begin with
i probably DONT want to talk....
to YOU.
not just in general
but anyone
so stfu and leave a voicemail.
JUSTKIDDING
that really only applies to like one or two people that probably wouldnt read this anyway.
so on to more happy things
like when will i write another poem?
WELL
the voice on the phone,
sounds much too slurred.
you say you're not drunk,
i say you're absurd.
dont try to pretend,
things are the way they were.
the times come and go,
the lesson's been learned.
so don't try to school me,
on how you think you're the very best.
i know fact from fiction,
you failed, retook,
and failed again that same test.
enough about that,
i'll let sleeping dogs lie,
right to your face,
and then watch you cry.
i'm not being brutal,
just realistically serene,
i'm so much more than done with you,
and i've fled the scene.
you can give me your tears,
but goodbyes were screamed forever ago.
no matter how much you question me,
the answer will always be "no."
FINITO
BRUTAL.
BYE,
Friday, January 30, 2009
january 30th 2009
sweet tired eyes
a sound in my ear,
sleepy soft voicemail
from the one who isn't here.
gentle little smile
background meows and a purr
my one-striped secondary lover
you know, the one with the fur.
all is quiet in the little room
the sound of rain against the window
cold and cloudy, yet no gloom
it is this morning, i feel so calm.
then, realizations turn to elations,
however high or low key, i'll let it be.
'cause that's what my fortune told me.
not the teller, i don't need to know my future,
the chinese cookies,
well, they must've been rookies,
'cause i'm not keeping my emotions under wraps
and you don't only treasure what you cannot possess.
and we just laughed and knew it couldn't be true
because i am your pearl, and i'd shout from the rooftops
if you wanted me to, just how i feel about you.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
january 28th 2009
in psychology today by teacher talked about wolf children, how bizarre it would be to be a wolf child, and how maladjusted would i be if i were one? i would certainly not be typing on the computer in the bcc lobby right now. if i were a wolf child id be eating some dead animal and playing hide and seek with some other wolves....
i think that'd be ideal. i am drinkign a lot of free coffee and i am possessing one of those feelings where i feel as if i am about to explode due to all the energy i am suppressing not jumping off the walls, although it would be quite fun to literally jump off walls, with like a pair of those mooon shoes. i've always wanted moon shoes, i never got them though. but man they would be fun, like personal feet trampolines i imagine, if anyone owns a pair of said shoes, or ever have, please let me know your personal experience, i am very intrigued.
i am also a very happpppppy girl
went and ate chinese lastnight with bk and his parents
the day that had started out awfully turned out to be amazing
but that just seems to be the running trend when encountering boyfriend-us bk-imus
latin derivative of my boyfriend brandon kennedy.
hahahahaha
and as my mood changes so does my day to day outfit
do any of you ever do that?
like you feel really fantastic so you think " aw yeah, time to look as good as i feel and face the world as an innovator!"
perhaps that is only i
and heather
cause i know she thinks this way too.
my hair is really curly today
probably cause i didnt brush it
but it looks good so i don't really mind
and this is going off on so many tangents i'm sure most of you if many of you read this have already stopped reading it to do something more enjoyable,
like plucking your eyebrows or somethng
so how about a funnny picture?
YAY
HELLO THERE, im going to go swimminggggg
woooohooo
i think that'd be ideal. i am drinkign a lot of free coffee and i am possessing one of those feelings where i feel as if i am about to explode due to all the energy i am suppressing not jumping off the walls, although it would be quite fun to literally jump off walls, with like a pair of those mooon shoes. i've always wanted moon shoes, i never got them though. but man they would be fun, like personal feet trampolines i imagine, if anyone owns a pair of said shoes, or ever have, please let me know your personal experience, i am very intrigued.
i am also a very happpppppy girl
went and ate chinese lastnight with bk and his parents
the day that had started out awfully turned out to be amazing
but that just seems to be the running trend when encountering boyfriend-us bk-imus
latin derivative of my boyfriend brandon kennedy.
hahahahaha
and as my mood changes so does my day to day outfit
do any of you ever do that?
like you feel really fantastic so you think " aw yeah, time to look as good as i feel and face the world as an innovator!"
perhaps that is only i
and heather
cause i know she thinks this way too.
my hair is really curly today
probably cause i didnt brush it
but it looks good so i don't really mind
and this is going off on so many tangents i'm sure most of you if many of you read this have already stopped reading it to do something more enjoyable,
like plucking your eyebrows or somethng
so how about a funnny picture?
YAY
HELLO THERE, im going to go swimminggggg
woooohooo
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
january 27th 2009
lastnight was not a good night....
at all.
i do not like feeling displaced and as if
i don't belong in a house that i grew up in.
where is my fucking sanctuary?!
sleeping soundly....on the living room floor
i had awful dreams of captivity and past lovers duking it out
blood, and bb guns
as soon as i get ahold of heather i'm out of here
and i don't feel like writing a damned thing
but i am going to try and stay positive, brah!
nataliedee.com
laugh with me!
or laugh at me!
hahahahahhaha
whatever at this homegrown bullshit
im going to the beach today
and im gonna get my tan on
and not be pissed!
:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so that's not completely my aura for today
but it's fun to pretend
"its time to pretend"
lalalala
alright
yeah
bye
at all.
i do not like feeling displaced and as if
i don't belong in a house that i grew up in.
where is my fucking sanctuary?!
sleeping soundly....on the living room floor
i had awful dreams of captivity and past lovers duking it out
blood, and bb guns
as soon as i get ahold of heather i'm out of here
and i don't feel like writing a damned thing
but i am going to try and stay positive, brah!
nataliedee.com
laugh with me!
or laugh at me!
hahahahahhaha
whatever at this homegrown bullshit
im going to the beach today
and im gonna get my tan on
and not be pissed!
:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so that's not completely my aura for today
but it's fun to pretend
"its time to pretend"
lalalala
alright
yeah
bye
Monday, January 26, 2009
january 26th 2009 continued this goes out to 10 people...
Ten things you wish you could say to 10 different people (don't list names):
1. you have done everything for me, from the very beginning, but i'm glad you're starting to let me do things for myself as well, even if i'm not truly prepared.
2. every day i spend with you, i never want to end, except when you're upset, unhappy, or anything otber than absolutely amazing. you are the one person other than my own mother that i would do anything for, i don't think anyone has or will ever understand me the way you do, but i wish you were more open with me, even though now from when i met you, you've become someone completely different. and that is definitely not a bad thing.
3. i am still trying to figure out who you are, and that makes me weary, i don't have many people i can trust, and i'm not even sure if i can trust you at all, but maybe one day i'll be able to.
4. i wish you would just vanish from my life, so i could never hear from you again, you just depress me and make me pity you.
5. you remind me of my father, in almost every way.
6. i am so glad i have you in my life at all, i don't deserve you, but you're still my friend, you bring me closer to god and i love having your friendship and your aura is just so kind and loving i can't help but want to be around you.
7. you are like dr.jekyll and mr.hyde, you are absolutely lovable, but you literally scare me so intensely sometimes, i'm afraid one day you will just snap.
8. you have shaped who i am because of your absence. if that doesn't make sense, try figuring out where my feelings lie for you.
9. you are so sweet, i need more people like you in my life, you never stop making me laugh, and every time i hang out with you i'm always a bit in a better mood than before. i'm sorry i missed your birthday party.
10. you make me insatiable.
1. you have done everything for me, from the very beginning, but i'm glad you're starting to let me do things for myself as well, even if i'm not truly prepared.
2. every day i spend with you, i never want to end, except when you're upset, unhappy, or anything otber than absolutely amazing. you are the one person other than my own mother that i would do anything for, i don't think anyone has or will ever understand me the way you do, but i wish you were more open with me, even though now from when i met you, you've become someone completely different. and that is definitely not a bad thing.
3. i am still trying to figure out who you are, and that makes me weary, i don't have many people i can trust, and i'm not even sure if i can trust you at all, but maybe one day i'll be able to.
4. i wish you would just vanish from my life, so i could never hear from you again, you just depress me and make me pity you.
5. you remind me of my father, in almost every way.
6. i am so glad i have you in my life at all, i don't deserve you, but you're still my friend, you bring me closer to god and i love having your friendship and your aura is just so kind and loving i can't help but want to be around you.
7. you are like dr.jekyll and mr.hyde, you are absolutely lovable, but you literally scare me so intensely sometimes, i'm afraid one day you will just snap.
8. you have shaped who i am because of your absence. if that doesn't make sense, try figuring out where my feelings lie for you.
9. you are so sweet, i need more people like you in my life, you never stop making me laugh, and every time i hang out with you i'm always a bit in a better mood than before. i'm sorry i missed your birthday party.
10. you make me insatiable.
january 26th 2009
okay its been awhile
probably the longest i haven't written on here
and i blame myself but it's been an intense couple of days.
i got sick as i haven't been in so long,
couldn't even get out of bed one day
and then the next for quite some time
and then the next i went to the beach
and strummed the guitar with my two favorite people
obviously heather and bk
i miss leanna....
perhaps i can see her soon
ran into a good friend of mine at a random soccer game at my old highschool
madison<3
i knwo you're reading this :)
been realizing many things lately
my life has very bizarre moments
and i was contemplating my life lastnight
while washing pots and pans
in my leather jacket
which in itself seems like a pretty odd things to do
but hey, i was cold, so sue me.
and this coffee i just made at bcc is the best by far
thanks to powdered creamer and the sugar things.
anyway , must refrain from divulging from the said topic
i seem to do that a lot lately
i have an essay due tonight by midnight
that i definitely have to do right away
because i'm rpetty sure me heather and bliss are hitting up crush tonight
i havent been dancing in a coon's age as bk would say
speaking of bk
i do believe i was serenaded last night for the first time in my life
talk about crazy.
but nice.
but more.
i dont know
so that's good
heather is floating
and i cant reach up to the clouds and grab her
but i will have to....
and no one will understand this but me
......................
ill try a hand at a poem
even though im just shooting the breeze
and like chuck palahniuk would say
sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
humans, humanity, breeding society
living social experiments, such is the life
there are those that sail smoothly
and those who only encounter strife
oh the ones who sail smoothly
don't see so clearly
as the ones who have suffered
and now cherish everything dearly
there is ink on my arm,
an image that is forever engrained
symbolizing no failure to thrive
everlasting memory of pleasure after pain
don't tell me you're much too weary,
or that life tires you on all sides.
you say if you're bored, you're boring
if one road isn't pleasing you, get in a new ride.
it's all about perspective,
can you step in my shoes?
einstein said everything is relative,
we don't win and we don't lose.
emotion is just a word with feeling attached to it
who gives the rhyme an ounce of reason?
why do we live the way we do?
who gives a cup of color to the summer season?
anticipation is too vain a feeling
why waste the gift of the present?
without wistfulness or aprehension
life can be seen as particularly pleasant.
okay let me just sau i think that might be absolute crap
someone give me some feed back
totally blase'
i need to work on this
but i wasn't really thinking in a poetic frame of mind
i was rather pondering life in general
why people act the way they do
and how we percieve them compared to what society views as "normal" or "abnormal"
i really like my psychology class even if my teacher always compares something to "going to olive garden and having a few classes of wine and getting a dui rather than someone who got a dui for the eighth time coming home from the bar" or the fact that she interrupts people and i think my classmates don't feel that they have much liberty to speak, which is no fun, what's a psych class if i can't observe my classmates, not that i don't, but without words all i have to go on is their body language, and that's not nearly as intricate.
regardless,
i like the class.
i just wish my teacher wasnt also a drug and alcohol counselor on the side, everything revolves around that for her, and i'm like "damnit man, could you just talk about people?"
although obviously not really
because god knows i would never say that
sometimes i think i have less a spine than a jellyfish
and that just makes me feel quite pathetic
but i am not in a bad mood
and my avoidance of conflict will one day haunt me
but that day is not today
so thats good!
GOODBYE
probably the longest i haven't written on here
and i blame myself but it's been an intense couple of days.
i got sick as i haven't been in so long,
couldn't even get out of bed one day
and then the next for quite some time
and then the next i went to the beach
and strummed the guitar with my two favorite people
obviously heather and bk
i miss leanna....
perhaps i can see her soon
ran into a good friend of mine at a random soccer game at my old highschool
madison<3
i knwo you're reading this :)
been realizing many things lately
my life has very bizarre moments
and i was contemplating my life lastnight
while washing pots and pans
in my leather jacket
which in itself seems like a pretty odd things to do
but hey, i was cold, so sue me.
and this coffee i just made at bcc is the best by far
thanks to powdered creamer and the sugar things.
anyway , must refrain from divulging from the said topic
i seem to do that a lot lately
i have an essay due tonight by midnight
that i definitely have to do right away
because i'm rpetty sure me heather and bliss are hitting up crush tonight
i havent been dancing in a coon's age as bk would say
speaking of bk
i do believe i was serenaded last night for the first time in my life
talk about crazy.
but nice.
but more.
i dont know
so that's good
heather is floating
and i cant reach up to the clouds and grab her
but i will have to....
and no one will understand this but me
......................
ill try a hand at a poem
even though im just shooting the breeze
and like chuck palahniuk would say
sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
humans, humanity, breeding society
living social experiments, such is the life
there are those that sail smoothly
and those who only encounter strife
oh the ones who sail smoothly
don't see so clearly
as the ones who have suffered
and now cherish everything dearly
there is ink on my arm,
an image that is forever engrained
symbolizing no failure to thrive
everlasting memory of pleasure after pain
don't tell me you're much too weary,
or that life tires you on all sides.
you say if you're bored, you're boring
if one road isn't pleasing you, get in a new ride.
it's all about perspective,
can you step in my shoes?
einstein said everything is relative,
we don't win and we don't lose.
emotion is just a word with feeling attached to it
who gives the rhyme an ounce of reason?
why do we live the way we do?
who gives a cup of color to the summer season?
anticipation is too vain a feeling
why waste the gift of the present?
without wistfulness or aprehension
life can be seen as particularly pleasant.
okay let me just sau i think that might be absolute crap
someone give me some feed back
totally blase'
i need to work on this
but i wasn't really thinking in a poetic frame of mind
i was rather pondering life in general
why people act the way they do
and how we percieve them compared to what society views as "normal" or "abnormal"
i really like my psychology class even if my teacher always compares something to "going to olive garden and having a few classes of wine and getting a dui rather than someone who got a dui for the eighth time coming home from the bar" or the fact that she interrupts people and i think my classmates don't feel that they have much liberty to speak, which is no fun, what's a psych class if i can't observe my classmates, not that i don't, but without words all i have to go on is their body language, and that's not nearly as intricate.
regardless,
i like the class.
i just wish my teacher wasnt also a drug and alcohol counselor on the side, everything revolves around that for her, and i'm like "damnit man, could you just talk about people?"
although obviously not really
because god knows i would never say that
sometimes i think i have less a spine than a jellyfish
and that just makes me feel quite pathetic
but i am not in a bad mood
and my avoidance of conflict will one day haunt me
but that day is not today
so thats good!
GOODBYE
Thursday, January 22, 2009
january 22nd 2009 continued
it is now 10:02 am and i am sufficiently peaceful,
i drank two cups of tea, and i'm going to drink another cup
today i am going to make myself a sanctuary
that is what i am missing in my life
i've felt so displaced in the house,
mostly due to the fact that my brother took over my old room,
but the fault still lies there.
so, i'm going to make the pantry, organization room,
my new sanctuary.
why this particular place?
because the record player is there
some would say, " why not move the record player somewhere more ideal?"
well, i say no, because i will make it ideal.
my little place.
like a cocoon,
i can caterwaul and caterpillar my way in
and emerge peacefully as a butterfly
it sounds so blissful
i have some work ahead of me i suppose,
but right now
i am all about stars and drinking hot tea "bitch"
hahahaha
i'm so much more pleasant now.
i want to see a doctor
even though i'm afraid of doctors.
to a degree.....
oh well.
i drank two cups of tea, and i'm going to drink another cup
today i am going to make myself a sanctuary
that is what i am missing in my life
i've felt so displaced in the house,
mostly due to the fact that my brother took over my old room,
but the fault still lies there.
so, i'm going to make the pantry, organization room,
my new sanctuary.
why this particular place?
because the record player is there
some would say, " why not move the record player somewhere more ideal?"
well, i say no, because i will make it ideal.
my little place.
like a cocoon,
i can caterwaul and caterpillar my way in
and emerge peacefully as a butterfly
it sounds so blissful
i have some work ahead of me i suppose,
but right now
i am all about stars and drinking hot tea "bitch"
hahahaha
i'm so much more pleasant now.
i want to see a doctor
even though i'm afraid of doctors.
to a degree.....
oh well.
january 22nd 2009
it is 8:12 am, and i have been up for two hours, why did i wake up at 6 in the morning today when i had no class? he who won't be named freaked out on someone else who won't be named, and then called someone else who won't be named, and the cops proceeded to intrude upon my humble home. hooray for law enforcement. let me just say right now,
I HATE COPS.
and this is not an ignorant "i just hate cops because they can get me in trouble."
that's not it at all. The reason i so highly disfavor such pillars of society is simply this, i've been in the position to need help from them really bad, and did they care at all? NO THEY DID NOT. the only influence i've received from them has been stone cold indifference, and then the urge to lock up people i love. so fuck you cops.
and another thing,
I REFUSE TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.
i think of maryjane as something else entirely,
but if you do any drugs
xanax
coke
roxies
whatever else
pills pills pills
any type of pills
i will not be your friend when you fuck up.
and i will not be around you if you do things like that.
AT ALL.
I will NOT waste away here
in this shit hole of a place
with shitty cona artists
due to the people i choose to be my friends
there is only one person in this entire planet that i can honestly say i would go through anything and everything for,
and chances are
YOU ARE NOT HER.
so if you're gonna try to drag me down with all your bullshit
i am not drowning in your sea of pathetic self indulgence,
fuck you all.
i suppose i may be overreacting,
then i suppose you may call me out on it.
i'm also tired of having fake friends, i am not a fool, my mother isn't a fool, she didn't raise me to be one either. i know when i'm being lied to, when people are being shifty, manipulative, or holding ulterior motives, and you know what i have to say to you?
WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
anything you think you can get from me,
guess again?
i am not your play thing
or your doormat.
i absolutely loathe confrontation because i am a very peaceful person, but devil damn it i will not be anyone's pawn.
and i will not be subject to people's stupid tantrums,
just because you are so full of yourself you can't pull your head out of your ass because your shit smells so good, doesn't mean you can flip out on people i love, no. fuck you.
i'm a very unconfrontational person, but when i get riled up, you better believe i will NOT back down.
i'm done with this right now.
i'll probably post a second entry later this morning because i'm sure i'll want to.
I HATE COPS.
and this is not an ignorant "i just hate cops because they can get me in trouble."
that's not it at all. The reason i so highly disfavor such pillars of society is simply this, i've been in the position to need help from them really bad, and did they care at all? NO THEY DID NOT. the only influence i've received from them has been stone cold indifference, and then the urge to lock up people i love. so fuck you cops.
and another thing,
I REFUSE TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.
i think of maryjane as something else entirely,
but if you do any drugs
xanax
coke
roxies
whatever else
pills pills pills
any type of pills
i will not be your friend when you fuck up.
and i will not be around you if you do things like that.
AT ALL.
I will NOT waste away here
in this shit hole of a place
with shitty cona artists
due to the people i choose to be my friends
there is only one person in this entire planet that i can honestly say i would go through anything and everything for,
and chances are
YOU ARE NOT HER.
so if you're gonna try to drag me down with all your bullshit
i am not drowning in your sea of pathetic self indulgence,
fuck you all.
i suppose i may be overreacting,
then i suppose you may call me out on it.
i'm also tired of having fake friends, i am not a fool, my mother isn't a fool, she didn't raise me to be one either. i know when i'm being lied to, when people are being shifty, manipulative, or holding ulterior motives, and you know what i have to say to you?
WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
anything you think you can get from me,
guess again?
i am not your play thing
or your doormat.
i absolutely loathe confrontation because i am a very peaceful person, but devil damn it i will not be anyone's pawn.
and i will not be subject to people's stupid tantrums,
just because you are so full of yourself you can't pull your head out of your ass because your shit smells so good, doesn't mean you can flip out on people i love, no. fuck you.
i'm a very unconfrontational person, but when i get riled up, you better believe i will NOT back down.
i'm done with this right now.
i'll probably post a second entry later this morning because i'm sure i'll want to.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
january 21st 2009
i got back together with bk
" Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake
Sometimes
I forget I'm still awake
I fuck up and say these things out loud
My old friend...
I sweat I never meant for this
I never meant..."
so happy brandon realized what a big fool i was!
ranting about school
and paranoia attack!
paranoia attack!
im at school
i just googled myself and
i
am
not
pleased!
i found myself ono an old job website from orlando
that i loathed >:F hissssss
and my facebook page (EW FACEBOOK I KNOW)
and then myspace video section
(EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO VIDEOS)
the whole main point of this is i want to fly under the radar!
how can i do this if one can just google me and find things out......
no good! no good!
if i were to become some sort of criminal this would be simply unacceptable!!!
i'm leaving myself susceptible to transparency!
this must be done with!
despite my reluctance at being out in the open, one must still be comfortable.
i have a world religions quiz in about 40 minutes that i have not studied for
but i do not have a book yet.
this is quite a pity.
oh welllll
i am going to emial my professor and tell him why i dont have my books yet
(i have a valid reason!!!!)
today is the beginning of a new era!
obama is in office finally and this is a pivotal time in american history!
GOBAMA
!
im wearing my "democrats know how to party"
shirt in honor of such a monumental occaision :)
that is all!
" Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake
Sometimes
I forget I'm still awake
I fuck up and say these things out loud
My old friend...
I sweat I never meant for this
I never meant..."
so happy brandon realized what a big fool i was!
ranting about school
and paranoia attack!
paranoia attack!
im at school
i just googled myself and
i
am
not
pleased!
i found myself ono an old job website from orlando
that i loathed >:F hissssss
and my facebook page (EW FACEBOOK I KNOW)
and then myspace video section
(EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO VIDEOS)
the whole main point of this is i want to fly under the radar!
how can i do this if one can just google me and find things out......
no good! no good!
if i were to become some sort of criminal this would be simply unacceptable!!!
i'm leaving myself susceptible to transparency!
this must be done with!
despite my reluctance at being out in the open, one must still be comfortable.
i have a world religions quiz in about 40 minutes that i have not studied for
but i do not have a book yet.
this is quite a pity.
oh welllll
i am going to emial my professor and tell him why i dont have my books yet
(i have a valid reason!!!!)
today is the beginning of a new era!
obama is in office finally and this is a pivotal time in american history!
GOBAMA
!
im wearing my "democrats know how to party"
shirt in honor of such a monumental occaision :)
that is all!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
january 20th 2009
you're quite alive and still breathing,
now i know i never broke your heart.
i see your chest rising,
we don't need to give the defibrillator a start.
please don't please don't,
even though i know you will.
or maybe you won't,
need something? here's a pill.
you're so filled with grief,
and part of me wants what you want.
but i can't be your relief,
i can't be what you need.
your vengeance is clear,
"cruel-hearted!" you bitterly say.
and now i'm the one dark-eyed
i never wanted it to be this way.
self explanatory
this sucks
i wish so many things.......
it was an honest mistake
now i know i never broke your heart.
i see your chest rising,
we don't need to give the defibrillator a start.
please don't please don't,
even though i know you will.
or maybe you won't,
need something? here's a pill.
you're so filled with grief,
and part of me wants what you want.
but i can't be your relief,
i can't be what you need.
your vengeance is clear,
"cruel-hearted!" you bitterly say.
and now i'm the one dark-eyed
i never wanted it to be this way.
self explanatory
this sucks
i wish so many things.......
it was an honest mistake
Friday, January 16, 2009
january 16th 2009
oh how the days escalate
its already been sixteen days since the kickoff of 2009, and i am so happy i can barely contain myself. i couldn't smack the smile off my face if i tried. everything is going so well right now. bk and i discussed things we felt like we really needed, and talked about how much of the world is never satisfied with what they have. all i really want right now is a job. onward and upward i have poetic words bursting from my lips:
meticulous planning,
so carefully cautious
i worried myself sick,
trembling and nauseous.
hid myself from the world,
like the brightest pearl, in the dullest shell.
but only to spare myself, my selfish self,
from the cruelest of cruel, my personal hell.
off the radar, off the map, no gps could find me.
a year remained dormant, yet a volcano so volatile,
i heard you never find it, if you're looking for it,
i didn't care to find someone worth the while.
oh, how the tides change,
and i found someone like you.
i tried to play it cool,
a rebel without a clue.
careful girl,
don't you lose your head,
but this one showed me,
chivalry ain't dead.
so that has an abrupt ending,
graphic myspace at Gickr.com
xoxoxoxo
its already been sixteen days since the kickoff of 2009, and i am so happy i can barely contain myself. i couldn't smack the smile off my face if i tried. everything is going so well right now. bk and i discussed things we felt like we really needed, and talked about how much of the world is never satisfied with what they have. all i really want right now is a job. onward and upward i have poetic words bursting from my lips:
meticulous planning,
so carefully cautious
i worried myself sick,
trembling and nauseous.
hid myself from the world,
like the brightest pearl, in the dullest shell.
but only to spare myself, my selfish self,
from the cruelest of cruel, my personal hell.
off the radar, off the map, no gps could find me.
a year remained dormant, yet a volcano so volatile,
i heard you never find it, if you're looking for it,
i didn't care to find someone worth the while.
oh, how the tides change,
and i found someone like you.
i tried to play it cool,
a rebel without a clue.
careful girl,
don't you lose your head,
but this one showed me,
chivalry ain't dead.
so that has an abrupt ending,
graphic myspace at Gickr.com
xoxoxoxo
Thursday, January 15, 2009
january 15th 2009
this has got to be by far my absolute all time favorite movie,
and this is where this post begins.
"with your feet in the air and your head on the ground, try this trick and spin it, YEAH! your head will collapse, there's nothing in it, and you'll ask yourself,
"WHERE IS MY MIND?"
i'm feeling very contemplative today, i have many things to do, but my horoscope said spend time with my sweetheart today and i'm going to. heather read my blog and complimented me on my writing, and told me i should have my own magazine column which really made me happy. her opinion is what matters the most to me. i don't care where i am or what i'm doing, if i'm living in a cardboard box, i want her next to me always. well, not that i want her living in a cardboard box......but well the point has been made, i believe. my first week of school is over, and i have some essays to write, school is going to be really really interesting to say the least.
life is going up up up
and i am one happy girl
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
for my mother
#1 love your brain
#2 protect your brain
#3 stop poisoning your brain
#4 protect your memory
exercise
#5 good sleep
#6 learn brain healthy ways to ease pain
fish oil, acupuncture
#7 brain healthy diet
#8 fountain of youth
#9 mental exercise
#10 notice what you love more than what you don't
#11 notice what you like about people more than what you don't
#12 develop resilience
#2 protect your brain
#3 stop poisoning your brain
#4 protect your memory
exercise
#5 good sleep
#6 learn brain healthy ways to ease pain
fish oil, acupuncture
#7 brain healthy diet
#8 fountain of youth
#9 mental exercise
#10 notice what you love more than what you don't
#11 notice what you like about people more than what you don't
#12 develop resilience
still january 13th, i felt the need................
to elaborate on "the man who didn't believe in love" excerpt. that is what i'm afraid of. i used to be the one who loved more, gave more, needed more. as of yesterday i'm in a relationship again for the first time in over a year, and bk is wonderful. let's talk about patience. i don't want to be anyone's addiction, anyone's happiness. and i don't want to be addicted to anyone, or rest my happiness, my "star" in anyone's hands. people do make me smile, and make me happy of course, but that happiness needs to come from myself first. and to a certain extent it does.....there's that catch-all " to a certain extent" isn't everything that way? there's always a punchline at the end, a "you're really great but..." or " on the other hand...." " some complications may occur," "some side effects may be mild or severe, whether you like it or not" sort of thing. the whole concept of love has made me weary, cynical, and for a brief period of time, bitter. i guess i'm just jaded, but here i go, giving it another whirl. i'm using a lot of quotations in here, and i'm sorry if i've confused anyone, although i believe i'm quite straightforward. anyway, beside that initial hesitance, after three attempts, i took the plunge and said yes, so here's to not being single anymore? i dont know, it's beginning to grow on me. i really don't know if anyone even reads this thing anyway, it helps me though....
a collection of thoughts
to do and to do nots
have you praisin the lord like thankya thankya thankya
i'm gonna drink some more coffee and start cleaning
poo
a collection of thoughts
to do and to do nots
have you praisin the lord like thankya thankya thankya
i'm gonna drink some more coffee and start cleaning
poo
january 13th 2009
i just read this and felt the need to post it...........
The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love
I want to tell you a
very old story about the man who didn’t believe in love. This was an
ordinary man just like you and me, but what made this man special was
his way of thinking: He thought love doesn’t exist. Of course, he had a
lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people
around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to
find that love didn’t exist. Wherever this man went, he used to tell
people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention
of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have
control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not
real, and that’s why no human could ever find love even though he might
look for it. This man was highly intelligent, and he was very
convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities,
and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place,
in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he
said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it
creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love , but
what happens when you don’t receive your daily doses of love? Just like
a drug, you need your everyday doses. He used to say that most
relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a
drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the
biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is
like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who
controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly
because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most
and the other who doesn’t love, who only takes advantage of the one who
gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other,
their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and
the drug addict. The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need,
lives in constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next
dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, “What am I going
to do if she leaves me?” That fear makes the drug addict very
possessive. “That’s mine!” The addict becomes jealous and demanding,
because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can
control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses,
fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need
completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being
abandoned. The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn’t
exist. “What humans call ‘love’ is nothing but a fear relationship
based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to
have? There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation
of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to
each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other,
to be there for each other, through the good times and the bad times.
They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more
promises. But after the marriage – one week later, a month later, a few
months later – you can see that none of these promises are kept. “What
you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will
be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few
months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone.
You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each
other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don’t know
when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be
alone, afraid of the opinions and judgments of others, and also afraid
of their own judgments and opinions. But where is the love?” He used to
claim that he saw many old couples that had lived together thirty
years, forty years, fifty years, and they were so proud to have lived
together all those years. But when they talked about their
relationship, what they said was, “We survived the matrimony.” That
means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time, she gave
up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will
and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love? They
treat each other like a possession: “She is mine.” “He is mine.” The
man went on and on about all the reasons why he believed love doesn’t
exist, and he told others, “I have done all that already. I will no
longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the
name of love .” His arguments were quite logical, and he convinced many
people by all his words. Love doesn’t exist. Then one day this man was
walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was
crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her,
he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can
imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love
doesn’t exist. He said, “This is amazing – a woman who believes that
love doesn’t exist!” Of course, he wanted to know more about her. “Why
do you say that love doesn’t exist?” he asked. “Well, it’s a long
story,” she replied. “I married when I was very young, with all the
love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with
this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and
we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted
wife who took care of the children and home. My husband continued to
develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more
important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost
respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I
discovered that I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me either. “But
the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do
whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they
have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There’s no
respect, there’s no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else,
it’s going to be the same, because love doesn’t exist. There is no
sense to look around for something that doesn’t exist. That is why I am
crying.” Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, “You
are right; love doesn’t exist. We look for love, we open our heart and
we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if
we don’t think we will be hurt. It doesn’t matter how many
relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even
search for love any longer?” They were so much alike, and they became
the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected
each other, and they never put each other down. With every step they
took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there
was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept
growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were
together they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they
missed each other. One day when the man was out of town, he had the
weirdest idea. He was thinking, “Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is
love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It’s
not what the poets say it is, it’s not what religion says, because I am
not responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have
the need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my
difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time
together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way
she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I
don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy when
she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what everyone
thinks love is.” He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her,
to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking,
she said, “I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same
idea long ago, but I didn’t want to share it with you because I know
you don’t believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn’t what
we thought it was.” They decided to become lovers and to live together,
and it was amazing that things didn’t change. They still respected each
other, they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more
and more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love
because they were so happy. The man’s heart was so full with all the
love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at
the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big
that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was
in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with
that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to
the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love to her. As
soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This
love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands
and broke in a million little pieces. Now there is an old man walking
around the world swearing that love doesn’t exist. And there is a
beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a
paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt,
she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn’t believe in
love. Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong? The
mistake was on the man ’s part in thinking he could give the woman his
happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his
happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He
was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because
of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible
for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be
responsible for his happiness. No matter how much the woman loved him,
she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had
in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because
she could not know his dreams. If you take your happiness and put it in
someone’s hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give
your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if
happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your
love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone
responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get
married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in
each other’s hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and
you are going to make her happy. It doesn’t matter how much you love
someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.
That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base
our happiness on our partner, and it doesn’t work that way. We make all
those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail.
it makes me sort of weary
and it's kind of a little bit scary
don't trust your happiness with me
i'm no fed ex
i can't always deliver....
on a better note,
bk and i are official
who didn't see that one coming?
one/ twelve/ oh nine
i have to clean all day today
so i think i'll write about things i'd rather be doing
" what i do when i'm not cleaning"
i'd rather be
in a boat on the sea
we can watch the waves crashing
dress up crazy, always clashing
sail every ocean, i heard there's seven
dance with some wolves, like that costner dude, kevin
talk with english accents, come come, cheerio
aye mate, shall we see london? aye aye let us go!
laugh and laugh and laugh some more
one taquila two taquila three taquila floor
enough of this silly funny business
out of all my friends, you're the best!
The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love
I want to tell you a
very old story about the man who didn’t believe in love. This was an
ordinary man just like you and me, but what made this man special was
his way of thinking: He thought love doesn’t exist. Of course, he had a
lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people
around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to
find that love didn’t exist. Wherever this man went, he used to tell
people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention
of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have
control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not
real, and that’s why no human could ever find love even though he might
look for it. This man was highly intelligent, and he was very
convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities,
and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place,
in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he
said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it
creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love , but
what happens when you don’t receive your daily doses of love? Just like
a drug, you need your everyday doses. He used to say that most
relationships between lovers are just like a relationship between a
drug addict and the one who provides the drugs. The one who has the
biggest need is like the drug addict; the one who has a little need is
like the provider. The one who has the little need is the one who
controls the whole relationship. You can see this dynamic so clearly
because usually in every relationship there is one who loves the most
and the other who doesn’t love, who only takes advantage of the one who
gives his or her heart. You can see the way they manipulate each other,
their actions and reactions, and they are just like the provider and
the drug addict. The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need,
lives in constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next
dosage of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, “What am I going
to do if she leaves me?” That fear makes the drug addict very
possessive. “That’s mine!” The addict becomes jealous and demanding,
because the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can
control and manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses,
fewer doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need
completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being
abandoned. The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn’t
exist. “What humans call ‘love’ is nothing but a fear relationship
based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to
have? There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation
of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to
each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other,
to be there for each other, through the good times and the bad times.
They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more
promises. But after the marriage – one week later, a month later, a few
months later – you can see that none of these promises are kept. “What
you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will
be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few
months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone.
You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each
other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don’t know
when the love stops. They stay together because they are afraid to be
alone, afraid of the opinions and judgments of others, and also afraid
of their own judgments and opinions. But where is the love?” He used to
claim that he saw many old couples that had lived together thirty
years, forty years, fifty years, and they were so proud to have lived
together all those years. But when they talked about their
relationship, what they said was, “We survived the matrimony.” That
means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time, she gave
up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will
and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love? They
treat each other like a possession: “She is mine.” “He is mine.” The
man went on and on about all the reasons why he believed love doesn’t
exist, and he told others, “I have done all that already. I will no
longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my life in the
name of love .” His arguments were quite logical, and he convinced many
people by all his words. Love doesn’t exist. Then one day this man was
walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was
crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her,
he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can
imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love
doesn’t exist. He said, “This is amazing – a woman who believes that
love doesn’t exist!” Of course, he wanted to know more about her. “Why
do you say that love doesn’t exist?” he asked. “Well, it’s a long
story,” she replied. “I married when I was very young, with all the
love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with
this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and
we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted
wife who took care of the children and home. My husband continued to
develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more
important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost
respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I
discovered that I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me either. “But
the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do
whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they
have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There’s no
respect, there’s no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else,
it’s going to be the same, because love doesn’t exist. There is no
sense to look around for something that doesn’t exist. That is why I am
crying.” Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, “You
are right; love doesn’t exist. We look for love, we open our heart and
we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if
we don’t think we will be hurt. It doesn’t matter how many
relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even
search for love any longer?” They were so much alike, and they became
the best friends ever. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected
each other, and they never put each other down. With every step they
took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there
was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept
growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were
together they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they
missed each other. One day when the man was out of town, he had the
weirdest idea. He was thinking, “Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is
love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It’s
not what the poets say it is, it’s not what religion says, because I am
not responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have
the need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my
difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time
together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way
she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I
don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy when
she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what everyone
thinks love is.” He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her,
to let her know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking,
she said, “I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same
idea long ago, but I didn’t want to share it with you because I know
you don’t believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn’t what
we thought it was.” They decided to become lovers and to live together,
and it was amazing that things didn’t change. They still respected each
other, they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more
and more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love
because they were so happy. The man’s heart was so full with all the
love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at
the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big
that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was
in his hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with
that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to
the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love to her. As
soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This
love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands
and broke in a million little pieces. Now there is an old man walking
around the world swearing that love doesn’t exist. And there is a
beautiful old woman at home waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a
paradise that once she had in her hands, but for one moment of doubt,
she let it go. This is the story about the man who didn’t believe in
love. Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong? The
mistake was on the man ’s part in thinking he could give the woman his
happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his
happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from outside of us. He
was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because
of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible
for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be
responsible for his happiness. No matter how much the woman loved him,
she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had
in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because
she could not know his dreams. If you take your happiness and put it in
someone’s hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give
your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if
happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your
love, you are responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone
responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get
married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in
each other’s hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and
you are going to make her happy. It doesn’t matter how much you love
someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.
That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base
our happiness on our partner, and it doesn’t work that way. We make all
those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail.
it makes me sort of weary
and it's kind of a little bit scary
don't trust your happiness with me
i'm no fed ex
i can't always deliver....
on a better note,
bk and i are official
who didn't see that one coming?
one/ twelve/ oh nine
i have to clean all day today
so i think i'll write about things i'd rather be doing
" what i do when i'm not cleaning"
i'd rather be
in a boat on the sea
we can watch the waves crashing
dress up crazy, always clashing
sail every ocean, i heard there's seven
dance with some wolves, like that costner dude, kevin
talk with english accents, come come, cheerio
aye mate, shall we see london? aye aye let us go!
laugh and laugh and laugh some more
one taquila two taquila three taquila floor
enough of this silly funny business
out of all my friends, you're the best!
Monday, January 12, 2009
january 12th, 2009
let's get right to the point,
i missed three days
but i didn't have a computer for three days.....
so onward and upward i suppose,
three tidbits for the days i've missed
and what the hell
some little girl just screamed bloody murder....
i'm at bcc inbetween my psych and world religions class, so here we go!
"somebody has to tell salvador"
dali's clockwork has been knocked off
but it once turned so tightly
people are wandering, so confused
who will reverse the wrong rightly?
nobody, not me or you,
we can't seek what can't be sought.
and time's gone so askew,
let's jump in the melting pot
time is a vast ocean and we're swimming down,
relishing the cool blue, scanning the sandy ground
bubbles above us, and for a minute i'm on my own,
but the next minute, you take my hand and i don't feel so alone.
okay so i kind of feel like i'm pressuring myself into writing all of this,
i don't think that last one was very good at all. i can't get someone off my mind, and it's distracting me......... the odd thing is i do most of my best writing while depressed, which won't ever be very productive, so i guess when i'm happy, i can't write well? and when i'm sad, i can? i don't really know, but i'm determined to change that.......
so that one is all for now i guess.
i really don't think many people read this, or care, but at least it serves as a reminder to myself!
i missed three days
but i didn't have a computer for three days.....
so onward and upward i suppose,
three tidbits for the days i've missed
and what the hell
some little girl just screamed bloody murder....
i'm at bcc inbetween my psych and world religions class, so here we go!
"somebody has to tell salvador"
dali's clockwork has been knocked off
but it once turned so tightly
people are wandering, so confused
who will reverse the wrong rightly?
nobody, not me or you,
we can't seek what can't be sought.
and time's gone so askew,
let's jump in the melting pot
time is a vast ocean and we're swimming down,
relishing the cool blue, scanning the sandy ground
bubbles above us, and for a minute i'm on my own,
but the next minute, you take my hand and i don't feel so alone.
okay so i kind of feel like i'm pressuring myself into writing all of this,
i don't think that last one was very good at all. i can't get someone off my mind, and it's distracting me......... the odd thing is i do most of my best writing while depressed, which won't ever be very productive, so i guess when i'm happy, i can't write well? and when i'm sad, i can? i don't really know, but i'm determined to change that.......
so that one is all for now i guess.
i really don't think many people read this, or care, but at least it serves as a reminder to myself!
Friday, January 9, 2009
january 9th 2009
i am making cautious steps to maintain my resolutions, i applied at macy's yesterday, and i have a really good feeling about it. i took out my monroe yesterday, this is really going to be the year i grow up, really. had a great day yesterday, cutting people out of my life that don't need to be there, and holding close to those that do. the holding close part is really hard for me with some people, people that i love and care about, but don't get to see often due to extenuating circumstances....
anyway, my friend leah wrote a blog on myspace with a quote in it that went like such: " You can’t stop the machine
"What is the feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye."
and that is my inspiration for today,
the machines. not the rest of the quote. although, that is another subject i'm far too familiar with as well........here we go
"remember when analog was cool?!"
computers that tell you where to go,
who needs a map, when you don't have to know?
repeated directions breeds a blissful ignorant,
technology bends over backward, brains remain dormant.
lives on autopilot, dimly lit screens
artificial intelligence, pathetic scenes
walking along, ping! ping! ping!
shut up, shut up, i hear my phone ring.
have you heard they're making clones?
grow them followers like beehive drones,
so much for education, you tragic democracy,
but we don't know any better anymore, it's idiocracy.
so there's that
a bit on the negative side
but technology, however useful it may be,
really does allow us to be ignorant, and reliant on a machine, rather than our own brains. i've heard people only use ten percent, but i don't want to be one of those people. i was raised to appreciate intelligence, and not to take such for granted.
like the song i sang in chorus in elementary school,
knowledge is power, grab it while you can!
on another note
i made this today
cause i woke up at 730
and awaiting people to awaken as well
i'd say now
FIN!
and bling on
anyway, my friend leah wrote a blog on myspace with a quote in it that went like such: " You can’t stop the machine
"What is the feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye."
and that is my inspiration for today,
the machines. not the rest of the quote. although, that is another subject i'm far too familiar with as well........here we go
"remember when analog was cool?!"
computers that tell you where to go,
who needs a map, when you don't have to know?
repeated directions breeds a blissful ignorant,
technology bends over backward, brains remain dormant.
lives on autopilot, dimly lit screens
artificial intelligence, pathetic scenes
walking along, ping! ping! ping!
shut up, shut up, i hear my phone ring.
have you heard they're making clones?
grow them followers like beehive drones,
so much for education, you tragic democracy,
but we don't know any better anymore, it's idiocracy.
so there's that
a bit on the negative side
but technology, however useful it may be,
really does allow us to be ignorant, and reliant on a machine, rather than our own brains. i've heard people only use ten percent, but i don't want to be one of those people. i was raised to appreciate intelligence, and not to take such for granted.
like the song i sang in chorus in elementary school,
knowledge is power, grab it while you can!
on another note
i made this today
cause i woke up at 730
and awaiting people to awaken as well
i'd say now
FIN!
and bling on
Thursday, January 8, 2009
january 8th 2009
so i've decided to hop on the party train and create my own blog. and no, i won't be trashing and thrashing local celebrities of the 321 and 407 alike, nor will i be keeping all of you updated on what i think is the latest "trend". this blog is simply and purely an outlet for me, not too personal an outlet, but still, because i think we all know the power of the internet, and what goes around, comes around, and around, and bites you in the ass that you sent to someone and it got posted all over the internet.... regardless, today is january 8th 2009, as i dated it for one reason, i plan on doing a 365 project, (thanks to "sea legz lexi" with her photography 365 project) meaning i'm going to write some form of poetry or a short story, or just a rant i suppose, each day until january 8th 2010. 2010, what an odd event to think of. it seems so far away, yet it really isn't. anyway, so here i am, rock me like a hurricane.
and i guess i'll start off with this i wrote today to kick off the 365:
"i'm not insinuating but.."
across a crowded room,
i seem to catch your eye.
casual party, a casual handshake,
casual observer, casual casualties,
you're a friend
of a friend
of a friend
and that's where it starts
but not where it ends
"jack kerouac knows what i mean"
up up and away
sashaying ever so quietly
easy said and easier done
when up and running nightly
pensively quixotic little gypsy,
a cut above belligerent when tipsy,
wave goodbye, another chapter to make,
and it's never a question of which road to take.
not the one on the right,
or the one on the left
or those rocks you climb over,
feeling bereft......
can't you see by now,
don't you know?
it's everything, everywhere,
you've ever wanted to go.
so there's two........
on another note,
this year is going to be a good year,
i have a new tattoo i got in charlotte, n.c.
with bk, chris, ashli, and robby.
a lot of you may laugh,
i know my mama did, but i have my reasons, i grew up here, it's not the best place i've been, but it's home. there's things that have happened here, and people i've met, that i will never ever forget, so why not a constant reminder of the good things i hold onto? while, i don't plan on living here for the rest of my life, at least i'll have that.
one more, this is mainly for myself as a reminder
RESOLUTION(noun)
(i didnt like number one)
purpose is important, purpose is important.
pay for all my classes at bcc
get an A in psychology, communications, and world religions
embark upon a journey to enrich myself, intelligently
hold sight of my goals, and don't let my social life,
drinking, or drugs get in the way.
regaining faith, it's a battle.
start working out at the healthplex
get my job at new habit back
hold tight onto heather
start making my life exactly what i want it to be,
langerado 2009!
more roadtrips to:
st. augustine
new york city
georgia
gaining strength with friendships,
and last but not least,
going with the flow,
whatever will be,
will be.
that's all for today,
this will probably be one of the lengthiest.
i don't know if anyone will read this,
or how all this works,
but why not?
and i guess i'll start off with this i wrote today to kick off the 365:
"i'm not insinuating but.."
across a crowded room,
i seem to catch your eye.
casual party, a casual handshake,
casual observer, casual casualties,
you're a friend
of a friend
of a friend
and that's where it starts
but not where it ends
"jack kerouac knows what i mean"
up up and away
sashaying ever so quietly
easy said and easier done
when up and running nightly
pensively quixotic little gypsy,
a cut above belligerent when tipsy,
wave goodbye, another chapter to make,
and it's never a question of which road to take.
not the one on the right,
or the one on the left
or those rocks you climb over,
feeling bereft......
can't you see by now,
don't you know?
it's everything, everywhere,
you've ever wanted to go.
so there's two........
on another note,
this year is going to be a good year,
i have a new tattoo i got in charlotte, n.c.
with bk, chris, ashli, and robby.
a lot of you may laugh,
i know my mama did, but i have my reasons, i grew up here, it's not the best place i've been, but it's home. there's things that have happened here, and people i've met, that i will never ever forget, so why not a constant reminder of the good things i hold onto? while, i don't plan on living here for the rest of my life, at least i'll have that.
one more, this is mainly for myself as a reminder
RESOLUTION(noun)
(i didnt like number one)
| 2. | a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. |
| 3. | the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. |
| 4. | the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose. |
purpose is important, purpose is important.
pay for all my classes at bcc
get an A in psychology, communications, and world religions
embark upon a journey to enrich myself, intelligently
hold sight of my goals, and don't let my social life,
drinking, or drugs get in the way.
regaining faith, it's a battle.
start working out at the healthplex
get my job at new habit back
hold tight onto heather
start making my life exactly what i want it to be,
langerado 2009!
more roadtrips to:
st. augustine
new york city
georgia
gaining strength with friendships,
and last but not least,
going with the flow,
whatever will be,
will be.
that's all for today,
this will probably be one of the lengthiest.
i don't know if anyone will read this,
or how all this works,
but why not?
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